March 23, 2012

Scientist were working on a time machine. I found this time machine and went in it. I accidently time traveled! I had no idea where I was going but I traveled to 1512 Medevil times.

March 23, 1512

I had time traveled to 1512 medevil times. Once I got out of the time machine it exploded. I had no way to get back.

I probley had to live here in medevil times. Now first of all I couldn't be running around in modern times cloths. People wouldn't know what to think of me! So I had to get some Medevil cloths. So I went to a store that had plenty of Medevil cloths. There was nobody there supirzeingly so I just grabbed the cloths.

I went to the Castile. Knights soon saw me. It appears their king had died. I looked helpful along with other things. So they made me their new king. I was shocked! I enjoyed the rest of my day. Being a king is great!

But at night time underground in a secret fortress a dark wizard was casting a dark spell to raise the dead. I soon noticed zombies coming to the Castile. I screamed "KNIGHTS DEFEND THE CASTILE!!!!!!!!!!!!" and so the knights fought the zombies. I too got my sword and attacked the zombies. After the attack I asked "Why are there zombies everywhere?!"

The Knights answered with a story. The story of the dark wizard. It seems long ago this guy got bullyed. And he got sick of it. So these many years he's been studing dark magic and now he has undead powers always trying to get revenge!

I was scared of this shocking story!

this ment I was in great danger!

Wait for more I write these everyday!

Wipe every trace of this story from history, before it insults literature any more than it already has. I have also forced myself to correct this affront to mankind:

March 23, 2012

Scientists were working on a time machine. I found this time machine and went in it. I accidently time travelled! I had no idea where I was going, but I travelled to 1512, medieval times.

March 23, 1512

I had time travelled to 1512 medieval times. Once I got out of the time machine it exploded. I had no way to get back.

I probably had to live there in medieval times. Now first of all I couldn't be running around in modern clothes. People wouldn't know what to think of me! So I had to get some medieval clothes. So I went to a store that had plenty of medieval clothes. There was nobody there surprisingly so I just grabbed the clothes.

I went to the castle. Knights soon saw me. It appeared their king had died. I looked helpful, along with other things. So they made me their new king. I was shocked! I enjoyed the rest of my day. Being a king is great!

But at night time, underground in a secret fortress a dark wizard was casting a dark spell to raise the dead. I soon noticed zombies coming to the castle. I screamed, "KNIGHTS DEFEND THE CASTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!" and so the knights fought the zombies. I too got my sword and attacked the zombies. After the attack I asked "Why are there zombies everywhere?!"

The knights answered with a story, the story of the dark wizard. It seems long ago this guy got bullied. And he got sick of it. So these many years he's been studying dark magic and now he has undead powers and always tries to get revenge!

I was scared of this shocking story!

This meant I was in great danger!


Your history is off, as is your English.

Also, the year 1512 would be classified during the Renaissance period.

Even I don't know what the "Renaissane period" is whih I believe is medevil times but my teacher didn't know ether and she had to ask somebody so don't blame me.

Well, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here with the dates. But I'm going to do my job here, story criticism. I'm not going to say against you but still, it's not all that great.

Besides the obvious spelling and grammar mistakes (if you're using Firefox, Opera, or Chrome, they all have spellcheckers built into the browser, and most real stories require some word processor. I suggest LibreOffice if you don't have Microsoft Office), you didn't seem to explain much. Why did all the sudden, you become king? I think that's my biggest question. Plus, can you make the wizard sound more menacing? I can't think of what he is. He may be serious or he may be a big joke. I can't tell anything. Write more and explain everything in detail. I can probably spend 2-3 pages just talking about everything. Probably the best thing I've read is knowing that you had to get the correct clothing.

You're also not using the first person perspective as well as you could. I mean, not to demean you or anything, but this sounds like it's being transcribed from a drunken story (trust me on this) being told around a group of friends at the bar. It could be very great, but I would like to see some emotion. Like instead of just saying "I was scared of this shocking story!", first, go greater into detail with the story of the evil wizard and explain every bit of it, and second, you can probably have a whole paragraph or more on just your feeling of that story and how you feel it'll affect you. Don't be afraid to embellish it if that's what it takes to get your point across.

Also, I didn't even really read any emotion when you're talking about being stuck in the 1500s when your time machine died. What would you really feel if you suddenly found yourself stuck in an unfamiliar backwaters time without your family or anyone else you know or love? Not to bash on anyone but I'm sure you would rather be with any of the guys that mock you here in this time than with complete strangers who you share nothing in common with about 500 years in the past. Just think of the culture shock of just being in those times.

Prose, especially first person stories, require you to write and write and write. I want you to write so much that you imagine that we're actually you in the story. I can try to give you some tips if you want them, but my big thing that I have is try to explain it more. This is barely what I'd have as an outline for a chapter of mine. Maybe throw in some dialog or some paraphrasing of dialog. Don't give up really. But use this is a stepping stone for something good. I don't know what but I'm sure, with the right help, you can probably do something good.



EDIT: Because I like to say this...

Protip: When the review is longer than the chapter itself, something is wrong.

I highly doubt a 13 year old child would not have hears of the Renaissance.

Oh I know too...but I'm letting him have stuff for artistic license...besides he can just turn the 5 to a 3 and be done with it.

I'll let you guys know a lot of people love my storys so if you like it or not I'm going to continue. There is now reason to mkae fun of me ether.

I'm not at all. I'm saying you can use some help to actually get others to like it. I'm trying to throw some constructive criticism

Oh, ok.

If you want the TL;DR version of it, "Paint me a picture of everything using your words"

Originally posted by dcincirukWell, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here with the dates. But I'm going to do my job here, story criticism. I'm not going to say against you but still, it's not all that great.

Besides the obvious spelling and grammar mistakes (if you're using Firefox, Opera, or Chrome, they all have spellcheckers built into the browser, and most real stories require some word processor. I suggest LibreOffice if you don't have Microsoft Office), you didn't seem to explain much. Why did all the sudden, you become king? I think that's my biggest question. Plus, can you make the wizard sound more menacing? I can't think of what he is. He may be serious or he may be a big joke. I can't tell anything. Write more and explain everything in detail. I can probably spend 2-3 pages just talking about everything. Probably the best thing I've read is knowing that you had to get the correct clothing.

You're also not using the first person perspective as well as you could. I mean, not to demean you or anything, but this sounds like it's being transcribed from a drunken story (trust me on this) being told around a group of friends at the bar. It could be very great, but I would like to see some emotion. Like instead of just saying "I was scared of this shocking story!", first, go greater into detail with the story of the evil wizard and explain every bit of it, and second, you can probably have a whole paragraph or more on just your feeling of that story and how you feel it'll affect you. Don't be afraid to embellish it if that's what it takes to get your point across.

Also, I didn't even really read any emotion when you're talking about being stuck in the 1500s when your time machine died. What would you really feel if you suddenly found yourself stuck in an unfamiliar backwaters time without your family or anyone else you know or love? Not to bash on anyone but I'm sure you would rather be with any of the guys that mock you here in this time than with complete strangers who you share nothing in common with about 500 years in the past. Just think of the culture shock of just being in those times.

Prose, especially first person stories, require you to write and write and write. I want you to write so much that you imagine that we're actually you in the story. I can try to give you some tips if you want them, but my big thing that I have is try to explain it more. This is barely what I'd have as an outline for a chapter of mine. Maybe throw in some dialog or some paraphrasing of dialog. Don't give up really. But use this is a stepping stone for something good. I don't know what but I'm sure, with the right help, you can probably do something good.



EDIT: Because I like to say this...

Protip: When the review is longer than the chapter itself, something is wrong.

Agreed. (Kind of.) What would make a better story is better dialouge, historically accurate *cough* 300-is-highly-inaccurate *cough* and a better story. But seriously, people don't just become kings/queens.

Well, it's chapter 1... So he was supposed to introduce us to the background and maybe a brief hint of the plot. He did that...and the plot would work (I've seen triter plots make it)...but he needs to write it better.

Well, chapter 1 looks like half the book already.

Indeed. WRITE IT BETTER.

How is it possble to write it better Everyone loves it but for you guys!

Better structured, less of a transition, more in depth analysis etc

Expand your writing. While technical writing is the opposite, in prose you want to try to say in many words what you could in just a few. For example, I'm going to pull this from your writing.

Your original:

I was scared of this shocking story!

this ment I was in great danger!

My new version:

I stood there taking every single word in in awe. It was a shocking story. This one wizard, because of being bullied all those years, is taking his revenge on innocent people that probably don't even know who he was. I shuttered. This story filled me with such fear that I never felt before. All of this bloodshed just because the man was bullied. He must be crazy!

Then it hit me. If the wizard attacked the castle, that must mean he wants the king dead above all. But, the king is dead! And the knights made me the king! The wizard is trying to kill me! If I don't do something quickly, I'm going to be next!

This is something I just whipped up in a couple of minutes, but see how I made the two sentences that you wrote and gave them depth? I allowed the reader to come into your shoes as the new king who's kingdom was just attacked by zombies, and let him know for real how you were feeling.

Of course that's just my interpretation of the story so far as you wrote it but I feel the interpretation is accurate, right?

Yes, the part about the time machine should be quite long describing who you are, where the time machine is and how you got into it.

Indeed.

Ok, holidaying for the next two weeks. Goodbye sir.

NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Haha, made an internet router out of bamboo in Indonesia. >:)

Originally posted by I.I.C.D.M.M Sauron |FBG$|Wipe every trace of this story from history, before it insults literature any more than it already has. I have also forced myself to correct this affront to mankind:

March 23, 2012

Scientists were working on a time machine. I found this time machine and went in it. I accidently time travelled! I had no idea where I was going, but I travelled to 1512, medieval times.

March 23, 1512

I had time travelled to 1512 medieval times. Once I got out of the time machine it exploded. I had no way to get back.

I probably had to live there in medieval times. Now first of all I couldn't be running around in modern clothes. People wouldn't know what to think of me! So I had to get some medieval clothes. So I went to a store that had plenty of medieval clothes. There was nobody there surprisingly so I just grabbed the clothes.

I went to the castle. Knights soon saw me. It appeared their king had died. I looked helpful, along with other things. So they made me their new king. I was shocked! I enjoyed the rest of my day. Being a king is great!

But at night time, underground in a secret fortress a dark wizard was casting a dark spell to raise the dead. I soon noticed zombies coming to the castle. I screamed, "KNIGHTS DEFEND THE CASTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!" and so the knights fought the zombies. I too got my sword and attacked the zombies. After the attack I asked "Why are there zombies everywhere?!"

The knights answered with a story, the story of the dark wizard. It seems long ago this guy got bullied. And he got sick of it. So these many years he's been studying dark magic and now he has undead powers and always tries to get revenge!

I was scared of this shocking story!

This meant I was in great danger!


Your history is off, as is your English.

So many.... Sentence fragments......

Indeed.